QUICK QUERY CRITIQUE # 129: ‘Incomplete’/Young Adult Novel/Fantasy
Dear [ ]:
Dear Blank;
Lauren Faustino’s life is a living hell, which is why she sells her soul.
Her parents fight all the time. The alpha girl at school torments her. She’s a good student but a total loser in the popularity game, the only high school competition she cares about. If Lauren wins Fall Formal Princess, then maybe she’ll get some respect, but her chances are slim without a powerful boost. That’s why she makes a deal with Esme the demonic lunch lady, who is also a distributor for Brimstone International, Purveyor of Fine Supernatural Products.
Irresistible attractiveness is fun for a while, but Lauren soon discovers the down side. While dodging stalkers, jealous classmates and a hostile Dean of Girls, she also manages to alienate TJ, her one true friend. She tries to return her purchase for a full refund and learns that all sales are final. Lauren can’t leave it there; criminal tendencies are filling the void where her soul used to be. If she can’t cancel the purchase, she’ll end up being the most popular girl in jail. Matters go from bad to worse when her soul winds up on iMart, an internet auction site.
There’s also the problem of her dad, a shady businessman who may have conned the whole town. The detectives sniffing around the Faustino house think so. Lauren is determined to crack the case herself, even if the answers destroy her comfortable suburban life.
Please consider my 83,000-word novel, Incomplete. It’s Faust meets Nancy Drew—with cast of crooks, posers and a savvy little monkey named Dante.
I’m the author of (, 2000) and ( 2012). I’m currently marketing the book online and in personal appearances.
I’ve also written dozens of magazine articles, columns, essays and literary journal pieces. Publications include BLANK, BLANK, BLANK and BLANK. I wrote several study guides for the BLANK Group for use inBLANK high schools. I have an MFA in creative writing from BLANK University.
I’m querying you, Ms./Mr. [personal note here]. Thank you for your time and attention.
Sincerely,
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Dear Ms. Miller,
Thank you, thank you, for that helpful critique of my query. Such great suggestions. I tightened it quite a bit, pondering how to execute your great idea to make a stronger connection between the shadiness protagonist and her dad.
I appreciate your expertise and time so much.
Thanks again,
Ann Anderson – “Incomplete”
PS – So far, one agent has requested a full ms. I’m encouraged!
Ann
Thank you SO much for taking time to tell me this-I REALLY appreciate it. So glad my assessment resonated-you’ve got a good story, me thinks…:)
Good luck and keep me posted…& please tell your writerly friends..always looking to expand my MarketingtheMuse tribe..:)
Best to you,
Marla
Getting more requests for fulls after revising per your notes! YAY! And thanks!
Delighted to hear this, Ann. Thanks for the update & please keep me posted!!!!
Marla
Hi, Marla,
You did a query critique of my Book Tillie the Homeless Frog.
I wanted to review it, but have been unable to find how to
search for past reviews on your site. I believe the review
was number 64.
Would you help me find it , please.
Thanks, Jessica deStefano
Here’s the link to your QQC #64 The Homeless Frog on YouTube: ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQK1ZAw2Apc&playnext=1&list=PL1FB67C9BEFC2CE1C&feature=results_video
Lisa,
you’re a sweetie, thanks. marla
Jessica
Go to my youtube site-it’s there-
Good luck
Marla
Dear Marla,
I revised according to your notes, getting rises out of some agents. Thanks again.
-Ann
Here’s the revision, which you can feel free to use if it’s a useful teaching tool. Oh, btw, you were wondering about McFarland & Co. Publishers: small academic publisher in North Carolina, reasonably respectable.
Dear —: Re: YA fantasy/mystery
Lauren Faustino’s life is a living hell. Her parents fight all the time. The alpha girl at school torments her. She’s a washout in the social game, the only high school competition that matters. If Lauren could win Fall Formal Princess, then maybe she’d get some respect, but her chances are nil . . . until she sells her soul to Esme the Demonic Lunch Lady in return for a mega-boost in popularity.
Irresistible attractiveness is fun for a while, but Lauren soon discovers the downside. While dodging stalkers, jealous classmates and a hostile Dean of Girls, she also manages to alienate TJ, her one true friend. She tries to return her purchase for a full refund and discovers that all sales are final.
Criminal tendencies begin to fill the void where her conscience used to be. To make matters worse, her soul has been listed on iMart, an Internet auction site. If Lauren doesn’t place the winning bid and retrieve her soul, she could wind up being the most popular girl in jail.
Speaking of jail, her dad is a shady businessman who may have conned the whole town. The detectives sniffing around the Faustino house think so. Lauren thinks her dad may be connected to the town demons. She’s determined stop her own slide to the shady side and crack the case herself, even if the answers destroy her comfy suburban life.
Please consider Incomplete, my 83,000-word YA novel. It’s Faust meets Nancy Drew—with cast of crooks, posers and a savvy little monkey named Dante.
I’m the author of Snake Oil, Hustlers and Hambones: The American Medicine Show (McFarland, 2000) and High School Prom: Marketing, Morals and the American Teen (McFarland, 2012). I’m currently marketing the prom book online and in personal appearances. I’ve also written dozens of magazine articles, columns, essays and literary journal pieces. I have an MFA in creative writing from Antioch University.
I’m querying you, –, because your website indicates that my ms. may be a match for you. Thank you for your time and attention.
Sincerely,